That's All She Wrote

 It seems like I'm losing, a battle against myself. No matter how hard I try to suppress all of it, none of it stays buried & surfaces at the weakest times. At this rate, it will swallow me while I will still be waiting for it to show me its teeth, for it to take a bite. I cannot seem to gain control over it, it's a demon I can't even see, didn't even know it exists. How do I fight something so powerful & strong? Something I wasn't even aware of.

Isn't it too soon? One right after another. It's like tearing pages off of a notepad for various reasons or none at all. Even though these are just pages, it feels like taking off a day old bandaid. It hurts and the wound is yet to heal. What am I supposed to do with all these empty-not-so-empty sheets, unhinged - falling off of my hands there's no way I can hold all of these. It's way to much for one person and even if this has happened earlier it still hurts as much. I struggle to arrange, rearrange, trying to make some sense of this but no matter what the order - I'm never pleased.

I made sure to stick by your side every time things weren't exactly right. No matter what, I  tried my best to cover the distance but sometimes it's not enough. I stand, on the remains, a grave where we laid the foundation of our friendship. Is it really over or just a phase? 'cause I'm out here lonely all by myself, losing count of the days. I miss you & it hurts to admit, there were some mistakes that I made. I hope we meet again. Goodbye love, I've realized you were indeed my twin flame. I can be on my own, you have made me so strong. But, who'd be there if I were to fall? Except you, there's no other shoulder that I've known. The only sight that brought light was yours. How could you be so selfish mi amour?  There's a war raging on, comeback babe, come back home...

Something is different, something feels different. The world is in its place, it seems everything & everyone has managed to find & settle in their designated space. But, if that's the case, then what's different? what's changed? It's me, is it me? If so, how do I feel? I don't seem bothered, rather calm but, is it the calm before the storm. Am I in trouble or am I going to be in soon? I don't know, the message wasn't delivered by the moon.  Have I been suppressing the thoughts, the pain that the trouble has been bringing in for oh so long that now I'm indifferent and gosh oh so numb? Anyways it's a guest, that I'll welcome. Maybe invite in for a little chatter and we will have supper together. Serve tea in a cup that is always filled with tears and cookies made with crumbs of suffering & fears. We can chat till the dawn and in case it decides to change its mind; I'll get hold of it before it's gone. As soon as it gets up to le...

You are a friend. A good friend, a great friend who is always there for their friends. However, are you your own friend? Ask this question to yourself. What did you do the last time you shed tears? Were you there for yourself then? Did you ask yourself not to cry or tell yourself that it’s okay, it’s alright? No? Did you ask yourself to cry your heart out and never to cry again? Were you nice to yourself just like you are to everybody else? Tell you what, I know what you did instead. You started to remind yourself of every other moment when something went wrong. Instead of wiping your tears, you made yourself cry harder over mistakes you didn’t have a say in. I’m pretty sure you are not nice to yourself. You should ask this to yourself, why... Why weren’t you there for yourself? Why weren’t you - your own friend?

Have you ever been out in the crowd, not moving just standing somewhere in between while the others push you by your shoulder accidentally as they rush to start their daily routine. You stand there frozen, you try to take a step but your mind suddenly doesn't remember what it is. You can breathe just fine. The wind is cold; and as you breathe it in, it feels like pushing crushed ice down your throat. You bleed & cry at the same time but cover it up with a smile. You try to match up their pace and get things done in the attempt. But as you walk back home at night, you see no one by your side. There's no pace to catch up to no more. Nobody, just you and the moon who follows you to make sure you reach home. As soon as you are home, you wish it goodbye as you look at it through your only window. There that is it, you alone.